what if there was this one person who has been in your life for about 6 months? Say this person was your equal. another version of yourself, just in a different body. what if you didnt realize you felt that way about the person until everything was already too complicated? what if, when you first met the person, your closest friend wanted to be with this person? you know that your friend is with someone now and wont be trying to start anything with the object of your affection, but you dont want to tread on thin ice. you dont wanna upset your friend, but you dont want to sacrifice your own happiness just to respect someone else. what if you were hanging out with the object of your affection and you admitted that you were interested in them, at the most inappropriate time? how can you rid yourself of the embarrassment? how can you erase everything you said? even if the answer wasn't completely negative, you just know that you shouldnt blurt things out while intoxicated. its never a good thing.
i am so ashamed of what i did. i never wanted to make things awkward. and now my dearest friend. i dont know how to tell her that i like him. i dont want to hurt her, although it shouldnt matter. she found someone who makes her happy. why shouldnt i be happy? but the there's him. when i drunkenly confessed that i had a crush on him and wanted to kiss him. his response i will forever debate in my head. "not now". after i apologized, he said it was ok, i had nothing to feel sorry about. told me that i should have paid attention to his response to the kissing issue. so i'm back to the "now what" comment. what sounded terrible at the time good be a good thing. perhaps he got freaked? perhaps he just wanted to wait until i was more sober to make sure it wasn't just the alchohol talking for me. or perhaps he just needed to think of a nice way to say he wasnt interested. everyone always told me its best to start a relationship with someone you've been friends with for a long time. well, how can you do that without ruining anything? what if the relationship doesnt work out? how can you have a friendship after all the hurt? plus, what if the other person isnt interested in you that way, or vice versa? how can you be around the person and have the friendship remain the same? how can you make the uncomfortableness go away? i just need to take a week away from him. and her. i cant face either of them until i know how to handle everything. i dont know if i can emotionally handle anything else right now. i want a relationship so bad right now, but again i don't. i don't know if i can put all my trust into someone once again. not after the last time. it's been a year and a half since the last "major" relationship and in a way i'm still not over it completely. i can't let go of the fact that i no longer have this person in my life. that was one that was a friendship first, then a relationship. we were planning on getting married. we had an actual date set. i was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him, completely blinded by everything that was going on. every frustration i had, i pushed away until eventually it all blew up. now, nothing. when i see this person's name sign online i need to quick sign off. i can't even look at the name without breaking down. i just need to get away from it all. i need a break from reality for awhile.
Current Mood:
lonely
i was sitting on the floor at my aunt's house, where my family and i were watching the dick clark new year's eve show. when the clock struck midnight and the new year approached, i found myself thinking back on the past few years...the men i have dated...friendships i have had...decisions i had to make. i'm at my house now, alone and rather meloncholy. would i be in this exact place right now if i made decisions differently? let's take boyfriends for example...last year, i was forced to finally make a decision between two men in my life who meant alot to me. jon, who i had dated previously and had many feelings for, or nick...who i got to know as a friend, and then felt a strong connection with. after talking to various friends and making many pro/con lists, i decided that i should go with the new. nick and i dated for a few months and then his ex jumped into the picture. they had a child together, and although she ended the relationship to be with someone else, she couldnt stand the thought of him being happy without her, and the situation got rather messy. needless to say, the relationship crumbled and we drifted apart. a few months later, jon and i got back together. that was a disaster waiting to happen. i should have taken the line carrie said to big on an episode of "sex and the city"...
"we're so over, we need a new word for over". we both rushed the relationship, talking about marriage, moving in together, having children. at first, it was just us fantasising about the future. somehow the fantasy got out of hand and we were actually planning these things to happen alot sooner than we were ready for. after a few months of that, reality kicked in and we both realized that it wasn't going to work. neither one of us wanted what we had planned, but kept our mouths shut so we wouldnt hurt the other person. that led to multiple arguments, alot of mistrusting and eventually we plummeted to our doom.
now, here i am a year later wondering what my life would have been like if i would have stuck it out with nick. his ex finally gave up on him...he spent almost a year being single and finally met a girl who fulfils his dreams. they are living together and plan on living happily ever after.
lets go back to jon. what if him and i wouldnt have rushed things? where would we be now? would we be living happily ever after? from what i hear, he is now in a serious relationship. for his sake i hope he takes what he learned from our relationship and doesnt repeat the same mistakes.
there have been many men that i dated. some of which were jerks, but some of them were really great guys. at the time, they just didnt seem right for me. will i ever find that perfect guy who makes me feel complete? is there such a thing as happily ever after???
well, i suppose i should head off to sleep. i had one too many drinks this evening and i fear that the alchohol is making me blabber like a fool. i'm sure i'll feel lovely tomorrow.
i wish you all a very happy new year!
Current Mood:
drunk
